Going over photos of our year, I came across a wish plaque we made in Tokyo at the Meiji Shrine.
Today I wish for all these things again, sending the thoughts skyward and inward.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
9 months ago...a wish for you
Our little pouch dweller.
Going over photos of our year, I came across a wish plaque we made in Tokyo at the Meiji Shrine.
Today I wish for all these things again, sending the thoughts skyward and inward.
Going over photos of our year, I came across a wish plaque we made in Tokyo at the Meiji Shrine.
Today I wish for all these things again, sending the thoughts skyward and inward.
Friday, December 8, 2006
A letter to Papa Ryan
I watch you in your element -- the wood and metal in your hands, the soaring sounds that come off of the fret board, the strings, through the pickup out out into the cool gallery space.
These sounds you make, this music that begins down in your place of fire, in your place of earth -- it enters my belly and reaches the busy little mass of cells. The brilliant and perfectly forming being that emerges, emerges, that will emerge as your child.
My child.
Our child.
Sure to be soothed by the music we create. Sure to be enveloped and held by a lullaby, rocked by a symphony, sure to be safe in music.
Your music.
My music.
Our music.
Fear not, I trust you with my life. Remember what we vowed; 'to grow ever more tolerant with the world and with each other.'
Let's hold hands and souls, place your hands on my belly, my hands on your hands, and we'll strive together.
Your path.
My path.
Our child's path....
Us three and beyond.
Ever yours,
Kimba
These sounds you make, this music that begins down in your place of fire, in your place of earth -- it enters my belly and reaches the busy little mass of cells. The brilliant and perfectly forming being that emerges, emerges, that will emerge as your child.
My child.
Our child.
Sure to be soothed by the music we create. Sure to be enveloped and held by a lullaby, rocked by a symphony, sure to be safe in music.
Your music.
My music.
Our music.
Fear not, I trust you with my life. Remember what we vowed; 'to grow ever more tolerant with the world and with each other.'
Let's hold hands and souls, place your hands on my belly, my hands on your hands, and we'll strive together.
Your path.
My path.
Our child's path....
Us three and beyond.
Ever yours,
Kimba
Settling down now
It's been only a week since we discovered that you, little pouch dweller, little child still yet a mass of rapidly dividing cells, are with us. What a huge week. A slow week, a week of many emotional and spiritual states.
There was some pain, my old right fallopian tube that lets me know every month when an egg is released, well its been complaining. It's my barometer, so I try to welcome it's pangs and aches, but it had me worried. After 3 trips to a hospital, which seemed so strange since I already feel pregnancy to be a state of naturalness, not something unhealthy to be treated, I got my little hormone read-out that showed my pregnancy hormones (HcG) to be doubling as they should.
I decided to work at letting the worry go, and developing trust, in my body and in you my child -- that you will grow as you should.
My belly feels so strange already, achy and tingly and sensitive. I am eating so well and farewelled my beloved booze a week ago, as easily as running my hands through water, something I have taken to doing as often as possible...swimming laps, floating, breathing. I know I'll be welcoming you into the world in water, so I want us to have as much time together in this fluid world as we can.
My dreams are still anxious, but my conscious mind is changing with you.
Mama and Papa bear in India
There was some pain, my old right fallopian tube that lets me know every month when an egg is released, well its been complaining. It's my barometer, so I try to welcome it's pangs and aches, but it had me worried. After 3 trips to a hospital, which seemed so strange since I already feel pregnancy to be a state of naturalness, not something unhealthy to be treated, I got my little hormone read-out that showed my pregnancy hormones (HcG) to be doubling as they should.
I decided to work at letting the worry go, and developing trust, in my body and in you my child -- that you will grow as you should.
My belly feels so strange already, achy and tingly and sensitive. I am eating so well and farewelled my beloved booze a week ago, as easily as running my hands through water, something I have taken to doing as often as possible...swimming laps, floating, breathing. I know I'll be welcoming you into the world in water, so I want us to have as much time together in this fluid world as we can.
My dreams are still anxious, but my conscious mind is changing with you.
Mama and Papa bear in India
Discovery
The test and that one line told me almost immediately 'you're pregnant.' I took it out to your papa and DT. They looked at my face and then at the test. Everyone sat blinking.
We weren't sure what to do! I sent papa Ryan out for another test. I can't remember what I did then, paced around, trying to keep my breaths deep. The night at Om beach came to the front of my mind, clearly, as I took the second test, the line developing immediately, I knew that you had chosen the moment, you had known it was time. Without us even knowing we were open.
For a moment, worry flooded my mind, mama bear had been playing hard, out late, living her lush jazz cat life. But there was a hum, in the water falling from the fountain, in the sound of my own breathing that said 'trust...not resistance.'
You chose the moment, and the setting, I can only trust in your path. In mine.
I'd been saying so many things, making jokes about falling pregnant whilst on the road. 'Yeah, and when I get home and people ask me 'what will you do now', I'll say 'well, I'm having a baby!''
They say be careful what you wish for, what you call into your life, but for me -- I am so glad I was reckless! Reckless with my jokes and comments, reckless with my wishes and thoughts.
Papa and I hugged. When I worried and waited for expert opinion, he held me while the tears flowed. We smiled. Laughed. We sat quietly. I called my Dad. He was so happy. I felt tired.
Here we are at the start of a new adventure.
from www.maryedwardsphotography.com
We weren't sure what to do! I sent papa Ryan out for another test. I can't remember what I did then, paced around, trying to keep my breaths deep. The night at Om beach came to the front of my mind, clearly, as I took the second test, the line developing immediately, I knew that you had chosen the moment, you had known it was time. Without us even knowing we were open.
For a moment, worry flooded my mind, mama bear had been playing hard, out late, living her lush jazz cat life. But there was a hum, in the water falling from the fountain, in the sound of my own breathing that said 'trust...not resistance.'
You chose the moment, and the setting, I can only trust in your path. In mine.
I'd been saying so many things, making jokes about falling pregnant whilst on the road. 'Yeah, and when I get home and people ask me 'what will you do now', I'll say 'well, I'm having a baby!''
They say be careful what you wish for, what you call into your life, but for me -- I am so glad I was reckless! Reckless with my jokes and comments, reckless with my wishes and thoughts.
Papa and I hugged. When I worried and waited for expert opinion, he held me while the tears flowed. We smiled. Laughed. We sat quietly. I called my Dad. He was so happy. I felt tired.
Here we are at the start of a new adventure.
from www.maryedwardsphotography.com
You chose us.
My child.
I felt your soul around me for so long...at times, my body ached to bring you forth, and tears flowed too...but when I sat quietly, I could hear in the rustle of the leaves, in the silence after the end of a song, between breaths 'soon...soon.'
November at Om beach. Arriving at 4am, stumbling down the path with my heavy pack to the crescent shaped beach. The moon shone so brightly that night, glinting in blue shades of silver off the white sand, the dark rocks. We waited patiently till morning outside the guest house. Waiting for the sun, waiting for a room...now I see this is exactly the kind of wait we have to meet you.
You chose us. I heard the hum grow louder as I swam in the salty green sea, as I climbed the steep path to our bungalow, as I lay on the bed while your papa bear worked on his art. It was early in the morning, still dark when I woke in a tangle of sheets, feverish, lucid, removed from the concerns of timing, finance, planning. Waking your father we held fast and close, deeply loving, sleepy loving. The sandman still held sway and we loved freely, without fear.
Afterwards, I drew my knees to my chest, and soothed by the sounds of my lover's breath, I slept deeply.
When the sun woke me a few hours later, I remembered this event as a dream. A beautiful, sensual, and spiritual dream and I felt joy...however, like most dreams, by noon it had dimmed and by sunset faded away.
Soon we said goodbye to India, to our new Indian family, to the bustle of life and to the experience of being able to witness every facet of humanity....but what we took away with us, to keep, was a little seed....you.
Then after we found ourselves in Thailand, already you have joined our wanderer spirits, our nomad hearts. I felt so strange, a slight fever, tiredness, the need for quiet and solitude. Papa working so hard on his exhibition, my emotions sliding around, every which way. We made our way to the sea again, Koh Samet this time. I had moments of joy, seconds of anger, why, why was I feeling so strange. The memory of that night at Om beach flickered, then returned, void of detail, but constantly returning to remind me....There was confusion. We spoke about children and pregnancy, but always in the future tense.
On the bus back to Bangkok I felt the cramps that visit each month, and I cried...Papa held me to his chest, and I wondered why I cried...I knew, but I couldn't believe, it seemed impossible that you should have come through now, when we'd made plans for late next year. Yes, we had it all planned so neatly...as you'll come to discover my beautiful child, sometimes you choose your path, and sometimes it chooses you.
photo from www.popoever.com
I felt your soul around me for so long...at times, my body ached to bring you forth, and tears flowed too...but when I sat quietly, I could hear in the rustle of the leaves, in the silence after the end of a song, between breaths 'soon...soon.'
November at Om beach. Arriving at 4am, stumbling down the path with my heavy pack to the crescent shaped beach. The moon shone so brightly that night, glinting in blue shades of silver off the white sand, the dark rocks. We waited patiently till morning outside the guest house. Waiting for the sun, waiting for a room...now I see this is exactly the kind of wait we have to meet you.
You chose us. I heard the hum grow louder as I swam in the salty green sea, as I climbed the steep path to our bungalow, as I lay on the bed while your papa bear worked on his art. It was early in the morning, still dark when I woke in a tangle of sheets, feverish, lucid, removed from the concerns of timing, finance, planning. Waking your father we held fast and close, deeply loving, sleepy loving. The sandman still held sway and we loved freely, without fear.
Afterwards, I drew my knees to my chest, and soothed by the sounds of my lover's breath, I slept deeply.
When the sun woke me a few hours later, I remembered this event as a dream. A beautiful, sensual, and spiritual dream and I felt joy...however, like most dreams, by noon it had dimmed and by sunset faded away.
Soon we said goodbye to India, to our new Indian family, to the bustle of life and to the experience of being able to witness every facet of humanity....but what we took away with us, to keep, was a little seed....you.
Then after we found ourselves in Thailand, already you have joined our wanderer spirits, our nomad hearts. I felt so strange, a slight fever, tiredness, the need for quiet and solitude. Papa working so hard on his exhibition, my emotions sliding around, every which way. We made our way to the sea again, Koh Samet this time. I had moments of joy, seconds of anger, why, why was I feeling so strange. The memory of that night at Om beach flickered, then returned, void of detail, but constantly returning to remind me....There was confusion. We spoke about children and pregnancy, but always in the future tense.
On the bus back to Bangkok I felt the cramps that visit each month, and I cried...Papa held me to his chest, and I wondered why I cried...I knew, but I couldn't believe, it seemed impossible that you should have come through now, when we'd made plans for late next year. Yes, we had it all planned so neatly...as you'll come to discover my beautiful child, sometimes you choose your path, and sometimes it chooses you.
photo from www.popoever.com
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